If you ask yourself right this second, without a putting a whole lot of thought into it… What do I need to move forward in my life? What is the first thing that comes to mind? That’s your answer… don’t question, how, or why, that’s your next step.
The thing that holds us back isn’t always some giant torrential thing… and sometimes the seemingly impossible would be way more possible if we could just stop doubting ourselves and try.
Recently I have been in a funk. I have forever been searching for my place, where I fit in this race against time. The thought of spending my life standing behind a counter… to me is the equivalent to being locked in a cage.
Then the other morning, as I was standing at my counter I decided that it was time to make a decision… settle for something… anything besides the anxiety of nothingness that this job makes me feel. So after some searching, I decided to apply to an online college. Tickled by the image of a career where I could help people, I choked back my reservations… It doesn’t feel fully like me… but I can do this… I can.
The next morning, my day off… I was in the basement, working out, with the cat trying to climb up my leg, and the baby in the swing crying. I began to think about my half finished house, everything I had to do, everything I wanted to do. Spinning under the weight of it all… the familiar bleakness of reality had crept right back to me. There’s no way that I can go to college right now.
Feeling sick, I pushed through my reps, pacing the floor in between sets. Screaming inside my head… What can I do? Feeling trapped, tapped, fucking exhausted… I peered through the dusty wood ceiling, right to to the sky… WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
Then out of the corner of my eye I saw my phone flash
I got my answer, not exactly the answer that I wanted, but I know that’s not how it works. It took me a long time to finally accept, and somewhat understand my abilities. For awhile I faced the anxieties, ignored how I felt that I may be perceived and I did really well, I felt like myself. But then life happened, and I ran from it again. No matter how much indisputable proof I had, no matter how many flawless readings I gave, I was back in my head.
So I don’t believe in myself, but every time I search… I come to the same conclusion. I am a medium… it’s not anything I ever dreamed of being, it’s what I am though. My question has been answered over and over… and I ignore it. Then I wonder why I’m stuck.
We, no matter how hard we look, will ever be able to see in ourselves what other people see in us. We will never live up to an image of the way that we think it should be… I promise, it’s not possible. But if we stop trying to see ourselves for what we could be, and start loving ourselves for who we are, the world becomes a different place. Things start to fall into place.
Finding the answer is simple… it’s not standing in your own way that’s the tough part. The meaning of life, is to live. The most important moments are the ones that wrench your guts… and make your knees shake. Every pain heals with time… Regret doesn’t.
When we step out from behind our comfort zones, when we push through the anxiety… it becomes clear that a comfort zone, it’s not comfortable at all. It’s being stuck in a cycle, repeating the same things, hoping for different results.
So ask yourself: What do I need to do to get to where I want to be in life? Pay attention… the answer will come. When it does… don’t think… just try.